Getting Emotionally Di__ed Around

I have my weak moments when it comes to (most of) my exes.

Really it's only Michael 2001 to 2003 that I really don't want to speak to again. Not only because he's a whiny woe-is-me cry baby, but it also reminds me what a fool I was to date him for so long. Two years of my life were completely wasted in that relationship. I can honestly say I regret dating him.

Since then, while I've dated primarily the douchebag contingency of the Greater Jewish Toronto Area, I still have my marshmallow episodes for a select few.

First, there's the one non-Michael. We'll call him Virgo. After dating Dr. Jerkass and being completely terrified of the opposite sex, I decided to get right back on the proverbial horse and date again. My friend who set me up with Virgo made sure he wasn't a shmuck. In fact, it came up in conversation once that he knew I asked that question.

He was adorable. The typical dark, Jewish, furry type. My type. He was very smart, well-read, strong interest in popular culture, loved to do the same things, and of course...there were sparks.
I remember I was so nervous around him we didn't kiss until the fourth date. We'd go out and when it was time to get out of the car I'd hug him and run. I was a dork. But he stuck with it...with me.

When we finally kissed on that fourth date, it was intense. It was the tantra of kisses.

Everything after that was a blur.

We'd have 10-hour dates primarily in the confines of his bedroom and the time flew like we had only seen each other for 10 minutes.

Four months later things were still going really well, but something was missing. I was in shock as to how happy I was. I finally was with someone who I REALLY liked.

Did I see marriage?
Not necessarily.
Not yet.

Did I see tomorrow? Next week? Next month?
Absolutely.

But to keep him, I felt like I was dancing on eggshells. My parents noted how hyper and eager to please I had become. Cooking for him all the time, being accomodating always doing what he wanted to do on dates.

In all of this, I didn't let Virgo in. While falling for him, I still didn't let him know who I was. He didn't know I was sarcastic and funny, he didn't really know I was smart. We operated on a very superficial level.

One night I remember cooking him dinner and while I was cleaning up I mentioned that I sold some jewellery M2001-2003 had bought me. I said, "he never got me." And Virgo replied, "sometimes I think you don't get me."

He was right. I was so busy trying to be perfect, I just didn't get it or really get him.

That night we broke up.

We didn't talk for a few weeks, but then we started to again. It took us a month to see each other, and when we did we physically got into old habits. It wasn't working. But I missed him and didn't want to let go.

He couldn't be friends and clearly neither could I.

Flash forward three years later he still can't be my friend. We've bumped into each other at a few "do's" in the last six months or so and its been fine. Actually more than fine. Yet part of me feels thrown back three years when we do see each other.

He wouldn't accept me on Facebook last summer, yet this summer he added me to LinkedIn. What's that about? Is that an olive branch? We email once in a while. We remember each other's birthdays.

It's torture.

Then there's M2007, which I'm not so hurt about. I wasn't that into him if I was going to be honest with myself but I liked having him around.

After we broke up HE wanted to stay friends. I wasn't that into it. Turns out we weren't good at being friends anyway. He'd email and say, "Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you today. Call you this weekend???" And he'd never call.

He offered to take me out for my birthday. He never did.
He said he wanted to see my new apartment. He never came over.

He was always a constant disappointment...and the expectations or the required actions were never that high to begin with.

But I am big on birthdays and this one for him is a biggie. So I decided to text Michael the other day counting the sleeps until he turned 30. He replied with "I miss your smile hun."

WHAT IS THAT???

You don't put that kind of sappy shmoopy shit out there and not expect me to be a little "what the????" about it. Don't dick me around!

And if you can't be my friend on stupid f%$&ing Facebook then don't talk to me at all!!

What kind of gratification do men get from emotionally manipulating women?

Is it power?

Wow. Woo hoo I can make a chick crazy.

Yeah...that's something to put on a CV.