A Classic Dating Tale

I'm in a sharing mood.
If I were ever going to write a book on my dating blunders, this would DEFINITELY be a feature.

I hope you enjoy this as much as my friends did at the time:


Date: August 23, 2004
Name: Jeff

Let me begin with the conversations on the phone. He seemed super nice and very chatty on the phone. Sometimes a little too much detail (i.e. "going to flake out by the pool, then maybe go horseback riding, play with my puppy (who is a huge doberman), etc. etc.). He seemed very
VERY excited to meet me, which freaked me out a bit. He even knew it was going to freak me out. Even one of his female friends told him he should probably stop it.

Anyway, he wanted to go for dinner and go-carting that night. Generally, first dates, especially Jdates, I meet the guy at the location - never a pick-up. However, he knew where I lived...he's a real-estate agent and we got to talking about the neighbourhood...he knew my house. Anyway, I got out of go-carting by telling him I had an early morning meeting and I didn't want to be out too late. He thought I was lying (which I was) but I told him I was being 100% honest, I just wanted to get some good sleep.

Dinner is obligation enough for the first date.

He says "okay, let's take it by ear, but let's not be OCD about it."

I was shocked.

But I had my usual delayed reaction and didn't say anything. I didn't want to go on the date at all now but I had already skimmed back once, I felt badly cancelling entire.

Flash forward to date time, he calls me to tell me he'll be 10 minutes late, then asks if he minds if we go to get the car washed. I said no problem, and he goes on about he's "OCD" about it (obsessive compulsive disorder)...that's the second time he used that term with me. I thought 'oh, he's not being rude that's his saying…stupid but okay this time.'

Anyway, the guy called back 2 minutes later to double check that it was okay to get it washed with me, or should he go before he picked me up....yet again, I said to come and get me first.

So he finally gets to my house...AND HE PARKS ON THE LAWN! What an idiot. I lived with my parents at the time, and they take really good care of the property. The back garden looks like Versailles. My mom acted cool about it but you know she was having a fit deep down. Anyway, I open the door and he shakes my hand and then doesn't look at me, just talks to my parents. He was a nerd with them "gee, its been a long time since I've had to meet the parents!" Yeah, well, you're a stranger and you're 35, I'm 25...suck it up.

We finally get going and every car wash in my area is closed.

Oh and FYI I was SO NOT attracted to him.

We went to this place mid-town, Spacco...very cute. The waiter was even cuter. I was actually
making eyes with him...ME! FLIRTING WITH A TOTAL STRANGER! My friends would have been so proud. I've never done that before!

Jeff was very awkward, kept moving around, couldn't sit still. He said I made him nervous, which "doesn't normally happen" to him. At one point we were both sitting on this bench at the table he was facing me, my side, and I was facing the table, but he had both feet up on the
bench with his arms clasped around his legs…like the fetal position...SO WEIRD! Let me remind you he's a 6 foot 5 bean pole!

Then he starts asking me about my dates, this , that, and the other. He asked me what kind of person I am, and I told him I'm generally a pretty open girl, I wear my heart on my sleeve. He said "No you don't." I was like "actually I do." He's like "To me, you seem like...how do I put it...you those castles in Scotland? They have a moat around them and a big wall and a draw bridge? You seem like you have all these boundaries around you. I think I could break down that wall, would you let the bridge down so I could cross the moat?" I knew I didn't like this guy anyway, so I went with it.
I just said
"you know what? I think you're right!!! I think I'm just not over my ex!" I made up a story how I dated this guy J for a while and we broke up less than a month ago and I just wasn't ready to move on. The whole night was dictated by this conversation...he couldn't let it go. He kept saying. "You could easily be my lobster, but I don't know if I could be yours...could I be
yours?" And on and on and on and on. "I want a woman on my arm and a slut in my bedroom...blah blah blah."

I kept up with the "I put myself out there before and I got hurt and I'm not ready to date, and yada yada yada." Two of my guy friends called me during my date and tried to get me out of it, but I didn't know if he could hear them through the phone. One friend was quiet
but it was too soon for the mercy phone call, we just sat down. The other friend was UBER loud...at some bar or something...JEFF COULD TOTALLY HEAR! Uch!

The guy was very complimentary, which is always nice to hear. How I seemed like such a sweetheart, smart, funny, intelligent, beautiful...everything. It was flattering, but like my favourite movie (Pretty Woman) says, "people put you down enough you start to believe it...the bad stuff is easier to believe" and that's totally true. The whole time I kept thinking "Did J think this?" "If this guy is saying this, do you think J thought the same?" That's all I could do. I thought about J the entire night. Much like I did with bad kisser Rob (that's a whole other blog post).

He asked me again if he could be my lobster and asked me to answer honestly and that there wouldn't be any repercussions. I kindly said "I don't think so." I was thinking inside "repercussions? Honey, I can walk home from here!" But I gave him the good ol' "but I have a great girl to set you up with!"

It was a depressing date I gotta say. I mean, I was happy to keep up with the "I'm not ready to move on" bit, which might be partially true, but I'd like to think that if another lobster came along I could. The best part was when Jeff went to the washroom and the cute waiter came
over with the bill. He's like "is this your first date?" I said "yip" He said "is this the last date?" I said, "YIP!" The he said, "well, when its over, you can stay and have a few drinks!" I should have, but the right thing to do was to leave with the date. I smiled at him and said good bye when I left.

Jeff asks again in the car about the "could I be your lobster" thing AGAIN! I wanted to throttle him! But he was much bigger than me and he unfortunately had the car keys. I just said that we could be friends.

I finally get home, give the guy a nice hug, and close the door behind me.

Just as I'm taking off my shoes and heading to the den to tell my parents about how stupid my night really was, my phone rings.

Its him.

"So!??? I just want to clarify, did WE decide that we would be friends???"

I answered in a sweet yet tired tone "Yes, I'll call you soon."

Hung up.

Never spoke to him again.